Matt’s Musing On Days Of Our Lives For May 30-June 1.

Thoughts on Days.

Chloe had another date with Salem’s newest pornographer, Quinn. Appropriately enough, they met in a sea food joint called the Creamy Clam n’ Mussel Cafetorium that looked like it hadn’t been re-decorated since the 70s. He wandered off and ran into Mama Vivian in the park. Meanwhile, Jenn and Daniel had another date. Instead of climbing a hill, she dressed up like she was throwing the prom in her living room. He ran away the first chance he got because that seemed a little too mature for both of them. After she slipped into her sweat pants and jumped into a bucket of ice cream, he returned to lick her clean. Unfortunately, their ice cream social was interrupted by Abby, who didn’t seem nearly as traumatized by this scene as the audience at home.

And speaking of traumatic events… Elvis and Taylor finally committed the act of darkness that no one was waiting for. She found him wandering around the pier. He had a gun hidden under his coat, leading her to assume the stories of his manhood hadn’t been greatly exaggerated. He was antsy because he was really just there to put something in Rafe. When the opportunity to shoot an unarmed man went south, the failed killer did the next most gruesome thing and went with Taylor to her room at the Salem Flop n’ Fly to play cars and garages in the pleasure park.

All the while, Nicole sobbed to herself until her dead mother materialized from her tears and, apparently, suggested that she team up with Stefano again. This was only slightly more jaw dropping than what happened when Mel asked Dario to actually talk about his feelings. Dario stood there and his mouth became so bloated that Mel almost gave him a Midol. And RoboRafe finally got free and managed to trap Sami in the pantry of doom.

Normally in this column, I just concentrate on what happened on-screen in the past week. But since things in Salem have been as dull a quip from a sober Chloe, we’ll take a little break to do something different. The drastic retooling of the show is already under way. Ken Corday announced that they were dumping six actors to replace them with six more, new and old. My beloved Duchess Alamain has already been cut so the show can concentrate more on Babs and the most boring housewife in Salem. Carly has also been thrown to the sharks. She entered town like a zombie, but constant exposure to Babs taught her what being dead really looked like. Since then, she’s just been in shock but will finally be put out of her misery. More casualties will follow.

Who is coming back? Jack obviously. And he won’t be coming alone. All of his time wandering the outback and sleeping in the pouches of kangaroos put him in touch with some strange cosmic power. When he returns he will be bringing the spirit of Vern Scofield with him. The cantankerous newspaper publisher who Jack repeatedly drove crazy, has been reincarnated as a miniature talking koala bear. Thanks to Jack’s years of dealing with wild animals in the circus, he managed to gain his trust and train him to hide on his shoulder, just behind his ear, and act as his voice of reason. This will also lead to all sorts of awkward situations as Jack tries to seduce Jenn back into his life.

Marlena and John will also be returning, but they won’t be quite the same. It turns out that the extended break he got from her while he was in a coma wasn’t quite long enough. He got tired of her shrink routine and decided to revamp her brain. Since he has all of his previous personalities backed up on discs, he thought he’d like to get to know the old him. But since the technology wasn’t completely Euro compliant, it short-circuited a bit, which results in Marlena sounding like she is doing an impression of Clint Eastwood having a stroke in slow motion.

Corday also revealed , “I’m going to throw everything but the kitchen sink on-screen.” The fanbase for the kitchen sinks in town are understandably outraged. After all of the years they were used to wash Alice Horton’s dishes and assist Kate DiMera’s manic mid-evening hair dyes; after all the times they received the bottles of Lucas Horton’s booze as they were emptied to prevent his drinking; or to wash away all traces of the inedible meals cooked by the townspeople, this is the thanks they get. But times are tough, which means only the garbage disposal and the toilet remain. The invisible busboys at Chez Rouge will have to take the dishes down to the harbor to let the whales lick them clean.

Lines of the week:

Daniel: I’ll wear shoes and everything.

Nicole: (to Rafe) Kissing you is like kissing my arm.

Stefano: (to EJ) The first minute you laid eyes on Taylor, you became useless.

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Fun fact! Matthew Purvis wrote this story just for you on June 1st, 2011 |

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