Matt’s Musings On Days Of Our Lives For The Week Of January 2-6.

Since seeking pill therapy didn’t work out so well for Hope last time, she and Babs went in for talk therapy this time. Babs broke down and let out all of the emotions he’d been bottling up for five years like he was a dinghy with a leak. In a couple of seconds, he was empty again. Marlena ended the hour right on the dot, thankful that her Botox had made it impossible for her to register anything remotely approximating an unprofessional emotion. Meanwhile, John, Salem’s unwilling organ donor, was bankrupting himself to pay back the people his nephew ripped off. Brady offered to go into business with him. Madison didn’t like it. A few minutes later she did. Across town, Stefano complained about Harold’s dress sense. John squinted. Marlena was horny. Rafe and Carrie were hired to find a cat but it beat him up so he went home to cook dinner and make out with Sami who was acting happy as a clam at high tide. Will nearly puked at the sight of the spectacle and went back to his grandma for more therapy.

At some point in the past few months, Daniel had a stroke in his sleep. It was so mild that he didn’t notice. This storyline was apparently inspired by the new writing strategy of the show which aims to put us all in a state of sleep flirting with death. When the big news about Dr. Wandering Hands finally broke, it was played so undramatically that Daniel’s tan actually seemed to pale. Somewhere, an organ player was so distressed by this lack of soap opera style drama that he wrote to me to complain about how the dulling down of the genre is putting people like him out of work.

Dear sir or madam,

I am but a lowly organ tinkler who once made a grand living from highlighting the emotions of Daytime’s glitzy stars. But, oh, how the times have changed! It was bad enough when the synthesizer players took over and drowned everything with leftover tracks from Dr. Who – not that I could complain about this too much since we were in the same union – but this scene with Dr. Dan was dull as a box of dirt. They didn’t even let him grunt.

Yours regretfully,
Phineas Z. Barnsweller

Here’s some more from my mailbag:

“My Shih Tsu Lady Fluffernutters lost her chain the other day and I noticed Marlena wearing it during Friday’s episode. Could you please send it back to me or do I have to call the Salem PD?” wrote one concerned viewer who asked that her name not be included. Strangely, another email by a Mr. Yo Phat-Mama dealt with a similar issue. He claimed that Marlena had been copying his style and demanded that she stop. I’ve been informed that the article of clothing in question is actually part of MadWorld’s GhettoFabulous collection and was inspired by a skater boyfriend that Madison had in the 80s. Another source informed me that all of the women in Marlena’s family wear chains around their waists whenever possible. This is done to control the inflating ass syndrome that they suffer from but is usually hidden by distracting clothes.

The biggest mystery to appear this week was the figure who appeared on the Safe fridge. The kids painted pictures of the whole family. Will is clearly recognizable, but next to him was a mysterious multicoloured bird. Even before Babs and Hope could assume this was yet another secret involving Alice, a viewer calling herself Mariah Hairey wrote in to suggest several meanings for the mysterious bird. She related it to a voodoo ritual and suggested that this could mean Celeste has been psychically communicating with her grand-nieces and nephews. This bird image would then supposedly have supernatural powers, like Stefano’s phoenix, and could be used to ward off evil. She also suggested that Johnny may have seen the mythical phoenix at Casa DiMera but mistook it for a chicken and ate it, gaining magical powers. What’s your theory?And a psychic sent a letter in with information about the coming year. It was about fifty pages long and full of expletives and strange recipes involving plants I hope you don’t have in your house so I’ll just give you the gist of it. In the weeks to come, it will be revealed that EJ is not Stefano’s son after all. He is actually one of the original Cabbage Patch kids. It turns out that Shawn Brady Senior and Alice had been trying to do some clam farming. Since neither of them knew much about biology or agriculture, they attempted to cross fertilize cauliflower with whatever bodily fluids they could get their hands on. This explains both EJ’s inhuman fertilizing powers and the fact that Johnny looks like a giant cauliflower. Susan, believing that baby EJ was a talking vegetable, smuggled him out of the country after discovering that Stefano had learned of the operation and wanted to assimilate it to his bio-engineering business with Rolf.

Anyway, before any of that can happen, Will showed up at Casa DiMera, unable to cope with his mom pretending she isn’t evil incarnate. Distraught and not firing on all cylinders, he immediately tried to blackmail Elvis for money to leave town. As Marvin always says, “When you’re up to your ass in alligators, it’s too late to try figuring out how to drain the swamp.”

Lines of the week:

EJ: Why would you hire Samanther? She only has one skill and you can’t use it to sell clothes.

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Fun fact! Matthew Purvis wrote this story just for you on January 6th, 2012 |

  3 responses so far...

  1. From soleowner

    This “musing” was trite and dismissive. Matt if you don’t like your job…quit!! Your writing was a waste of my time!!

  2. From MARTI

    I so agree with soleowner. I haven’t enjoyed theses reviews since they got “cute.” Please go back to the way they were. They ARE a waste of time. JMO

  3. From taylor

    *sigh* Matt, please ignore these two – I love love love your column. I lovingly mock my soaps as I watch(it’s half the fun!!) but you do it better! cheers!

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