Matt’s Musings On Days Of Our Lives For The Week Of February 11-15.
Valentine’s Day came to Salem this week and brought a blizzard of sappiness with it. However, Scooby, Scruffy, Fred and Daphne’s trip to America’s murder capital for romance was abruptly cut short. Chloe called up the doctor to inform him that Parker was ill. He and Scruffy rushed back to town. Parker quickly recovered and went back to hurling blocks at his pops. Chloe and Scruffy sneered at one another. Even Anne joined in on that. Finally, Scooby gave Scruffy the evil eye for her deception which robbed him of the chance to see his son puke. She went home and kicked herself. Scruffy was dying, weighted down with so much excess Scooby snack that she looked like she was going to have kittens at any moment. She tried to make amends to the doctor, but it was supremely awkward since Chloe was settling into his pad like water under oil. Meanwhile, for reasons I fail to fully understand, Kristen thought that getting rip-roaring drunk would be the perfect way to convince her recovering addict boytoy that they should be together until they are no more than lusty dust. It wasn’t. He loved the pants off of her, even if he didn’t want to marry her and bring the doom that would inevitably follow. After realizing how profoundly ‘trite’ his deepest emotions were, the cockles of her heart managed to warm her reptilian blood and her brain fired up enough to doubt the merits of this entire plot.
Across town, another controversial pairing got under way. Kate was starting to feel like a new woman and Rafe was feeling a new one. The grief from Billie leaving town allowed Kate to cry enough magical tears to change her hair color. With Stefano now shed from her life with their final tax return, her blue streak was long gone and she was ready for something in a rather different shade. And so stumbled in Rafael Hernandez: drunk as a poet on payday and witty as a Welsh asparagus farmer. Kate was drunk. He was drunk and swearing in pig Latin. It promised to be the hottest material since Vivian’s fantasies about bronzed Brady. They made their way to the square and started up against a post. Then they made it to the stairs and did it. Then they did it in his bed since god knows where she actually lives. Marvin was so conflicted about all this romping that he called me up to bellyache. “I can’t believe we went from Safe to Café to Safe to Kafe,” he sighed. Beyond that, all he could recall was that episode of “The Simpsons” where Comic Book Guy hooked up with Agnes Skinner. I said he was being nasty. He refused to believe that Rafe could be in a relationship where the only ample cleavage was the area between his ears. The only thing I could think about was all of EJ and Kate’s rumpy-pumpy all over the office. I wondered if Sami still has her recordings of it and plays it before going to sleep. This suspicion was later confirmed when she donned some neckwear so she and EJ could re-enact his sexual trysts with Kate on her office desk.
Some sexual fantasies were going unfulfilled in Salem. Nicole continued imagining desk sex with Father Eric. You’d think that a porn star in a church could come up with something kinkier. But maybe it’s a good thing that Nic’s nightmares have only been induced by tacos and they don’t watch “American Horror Story” at the convent. It must have been the beef, but she was inspired to deck herself out in leather for a night out in Salem. Eric was traumatized after recognizing the outfit from “Misty Circle Porks The Dungeon Dorks.” He forbade her to come back if she went out like that. The priest was either hiding his lingering feelings for her or he was having a really hard time trying to express how upset he was about the Pope’s early retirement.
Meanwhile, Gabba had one of her sexual fantasies fulfilled when Nick surprised her by stripping down to no more than his heart. It wasn’t his sleeve he was wearing it on either. Will didn’t luck out quite so well. Horton continued to bumble around town in a daze. The prospect of future fatherhood had managed to severely retard his faculty for reasoning. Complicating things was the mistaken impression that Sonny wanted to reignite their mild romance. Will immediately began having fantasies about the reunion which were disturbingly similar to old Sami and Rafe shower sex scenes. His dreams were smashed when he discovered that Sonny had meant to cancel the gift and had already planned to spend his day climbing around with Brian. And Abby spilled Cameron’s peach cobbler before accidentally spilling the beans that she was president of The Golden Circle Club, which made it clear to him that they wouldn’t be splitting a box of chocolates any time soon.
Lines of the week:
Marlena: This is your mother speaking: what the hell are you doing?
Anne: (to Jenn) Chloe is the mother of Daniel’s child and you are nothing!
Rafe: He’s a freak who has spent too much time in pyramids with dolls hooked up to machines.
Photo Credit: NBC
Fun fact! Matthew Purvis wrote this story just for you on February 15th, 2013 |